Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The great debate

In any debate there are two sides, the Pro and the Con. Notice I did not say the right and the wrong. Rightness is so subjective and anyone who has ever been married knows that there is always that grey area where you have to agree to disagree in order to move on from a sore subject. But what happens when the issue is a big one? I'm talking huge. Allow me to digress for a moment.

My husband comes from a big family. He is one of 4 boys and when his parents divorced and his mother re-married she had twin girls to add to the brood. That's 6 kids total, if you're counting. God bless my MIL because I've only experienced the brothers in adulthood and I can just imagine the chaos and insanity they created as children.

I, on the other hand, came from a somewhat dysfunctional family dynamic where my dad was married 4 (yes, I know) times and I have 2 older half sisters and one full blood brother. I basically grew up with my younger brother and for a few years my sister who is 8 years older than me. My parents divorced when I was young and my mom raised us largely by herself.

Where am I going with this? We have 2 munchkins right now, ages 3 and 7 months. One boy. One girl. I'm just fine with this scenario, my husband is not. He wants more kids and I am pretty dead set against it. The Pro and the Con. The problem with this debate is there can be no real compromise. We can't exactly have half a kid, (where did they get that 2.5 children thing anyway?) so we are left rehashing the issue over and over. When it comes to the major issues in life, how do you decide when the two sides are on completely opposite ends of the spectrum?

In my head I have a huge list of pros and cons on the subject, and to be honest the con list is way longer for me. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with having more than two kids, I just don't think it's for me. I know my patience is questionable at times (lots of times), I know our finances are not geared for any more kids (at least at the present time) and I really love the one boy, one girl, one first born, one baby, no middle kid thing we have going. Isn't it better for me to be a good mother to 2 than a crazy, stressed out, yelling all the time mother to more? Am I being realistic or selfish? I wish I knew for sure.


  1. You are the most unselfish person I know, without a doubt. I think your motives and thinking are realistic and well thought out. Aaron is thinking with his heart, God bless him for having such a big one too! Bottom line - you both have heaps of extra love that you could shower on another child who would be ridiculously blessed to have you guys as parents but I am a firm believer that choosing to have children (or more children) is the biggest most life altering choice you'll ever make. What's the rush to make a decision, anyway? Take your time and talk it out until there is a true consensus. Hopefully you'll both get on the same page eventually.

    I loves you guys!

  2. I think Joe and I are pretty much on the same page with having only 2, but if we were in disagreement and he wanted more, I think my feelings would need to count a bit more.
    You're the one who would be carrying the baby, you're the one who'd be nursing, etc. I'm not sure how it works at your house with caring for the kids when you're both home, but unless it's exactly 50/50, I say you get more say there, too.
    I understand where he's coming from, though. But, ask him why. Is it just because that's how he grew up? Is there a specific reason? It's got to be tough with an issue like this where there is no easy compromise.
    I'm with you, though. I think I do a good job with my 2, and if we added a 3rd, I don't know that I could stretch myself any more thin than I am right now.

  3. When we first started these discussions I wanted four and he wanted two, so we compromised with a plan for three. Some days he still pushes for two and a boat. We just had out first and both know we'll have another but where we'll actually stop we'll just have to wait and see. I think the way you compromise with your husband is to be open to the idea of more and the way he compromises with you is to wait a while before bringing it up again. I know a lit if couples who were "done" until the baby stopped being a baby or who knew they wanted more but then realized how happy they were to be done with diapers. A year or so might really change your perspective. At the very least tabling the conversation might save your sanity.

  4. I don't think it's selfish to decide to be done at two. You're right, you'd be spread a lot more thin with lots of kids. Maybe your husband needs to ask his mom what it was like to raise six kids?! We're not even sure if we can handle two.

  5. I don't think your being selfish. You stay at home right? I think that means you should have more say in the matter. It would be you carrying the baby, taking care of all it's needs most of the time, not to mention the 2 other children that you already have to take care of. My husband wants more children, our daughter is 5, but until just recently I wasn't ready. If it were me, I would wait another year before the subject was brought up again...who knows, by then you might change your mine!

  6. Well I'm not sure why but it seems like for our family one side just ends up wearing the other one out. Or one of us simply changes our mind. For example, when my husband and I first were married, of all our differences, I foresaw us having this huge issue with religion. But then we just sort of ended up in the same place with it.

    With kids, I didn't want any and my husband really, really, really wanted them. Eventually one day I just decided I was ready for them. Now my husband is not ready for another and I am but well, eventually one of us will change our mind. So I guess I would say patience. Sorry, that is really not helpful!

  7. Kam, you are the bad-ass bread winner of the family. And you have given birth to two lovely children. If YOU are happy with having only 2 great kids, then that should be the end of it. When men start bearing children then they can have more say in the matter. Peace out! See u in a few, my dear!

  8. Well you know where my family falls in this debate :) Right now 3 looks like the right number for us - while I would like more, like you said this really isn't something you can just compromise on.

    I think LZ makes some really good points. Aaron may only be seeing things from the Dad perspective, and the perspective of someone who grew up with many siblings. He may not be seeing the full picture. One more child adds so much more than just another mouth to feed. I think the suggestion to have him talk to you MIL about it (will she give him truly honest answers). And let him spend a few days alone with the kids (no you there to back him up).

    My only suggestion is next time he brings it up, remind him that baby girl is still so young and still breast feeding, you are still adjusting to having her in your lives maybe right now isnt' the time to make definite answers. Ask him to wait a few months without discussing it and readdress it maybe once you've slept through the night.

  9. You know what I have to say about this? Agree to discuss this situation once a year...and that's it! You may be surprised how quickly his-or even your-feelings change!

  10. I would put it on the back burner for now...Arielle is still tiny and sometimes that can hinder your judgement. When you are in the throws of crawling and diapers and waking up in the night then it seems soo much more of a con....then when your children are 8 and 6 as mine are you think to yourself...we missed that window. I can't have another one as the age gap is huge..and my husband is getting too old to start all over again with babies....you get my drift I like Lexie's idea of once per year!

  11. I agree with those that said to wait to make the decision. It doesn't need to be made right this minute, right? So, just wait and see how you both feel when things even out a bit. Maybe Aaron will change his mind, and maybe you will - you never know.

    And sometimes, just sometimes - the Con list may be LONGER than the Pro list but the pro list weighs more. Ya know?

  12. I kind of had a hard time talking Jon into #2 so I know that we are for sure done after this one!

    It's hard when you disagree on something like this, but I'm sure things will turn out like they are suppose to!

  13. That's such a tough decision. Like some others have said, you can always agree to discuss it again at a later time and see how you both feel about it then. Maybe agreement will come easier later on.

  14. Wow, just had almost the same conversation with my husband. We have a boy and a girl and some semblance of our lives back, and I also feel selfish for wanting to keep it that way. I think my husband wants a 3rd more than he lets on, but we've agreed to revisit the subject if our finances improve drastically within the next few years. I think having a baby is just too big of a thing to do to make someone happy, and like you said there is no compromise, so it has to default to whoever is con.

    Funny how after all the hinting and nagging (at least in my case) to start a family, now the dad is the one who doesn't want to stop!

    Good luck, Kameron. Your family is sweet as can be as-is.


What you talkin' bout Willis??